Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Oh no!!!!!!!

Congress Disbands, Cites Irrelevancy

January 10, 2005
Satire by Bernard Weiner, The Crisis Papers <http://www.crisispapers.org>

WASHINGTON (Associated Press) - President George W. Bush today applauded
the decision by the House of Representatives and the Senate to disband.

"Everything changed on 9/11," said the President. "The American people
join me in thanking Congress for finally having the wisdom and
patriotism to recognize this changed situation in the country and the
world. Although these legislators have served our nation well over the
years, now all that bickering, partisan sniping, and obstructionism
blocking my programs are gone.

"In a word, I know what needs to be done. And now we can reach those
goals with aggressive speed and determination, knowing that all our
citizens are united under one leader. Those seeking to throw the
American government into chaos and anarchy with their talk of
impeachment and cutting-and-running from our battles abroad have been
silenced."

A joint statement from Republican and Democratic leaders in both
branches of Congress was issued late last night: "It appears that the
Executive Branch has made the Legislative branch redundant, by
outsourcing our law-making functions to itself. They are deciding which
laws to obey, and have the Justice Department and the courts under their
control. So, rather than waste taxpayers' money spinning our wheels,
we're simply going out of business."

Most members said they have been offered lucrative contracts by lobbying
organizations, to use their access to contacts in the White House and
the military services. Others said they would be going to work for the
expanded Pentagon and Homeland Security Department, which today
announced that they would be taking over the functions of the Department
of State and all the intelligence agencies.

Defense Secretary Rumsfeld said one of his first priorities will be to
reorganize Amtrak and "make sure that the trains run on time."

The Departments of Labor and Housing & Urban Development will be
disbanded, said new White House Press Secretary Ann Coulter, as will the
various regulatory bodies such as the Environmental Protection Agency,
Federal Communications Commission, Securities & Exchange Commission,
OSHA, and the Civil Rights Division of the Justice Department.

The new Secretary of Education, Rev. Pat Robertson, announced that a
national history and civics curriculum would be written by Under
Secretaries Bill Bennett and Lynn Cheney, and the Biology Curriculum by
Rev. Jerry Falwell and Lou Dobson.

ALWAYS "WITHIN THE LAW"

As for the Judicial Branch, Coulter said: "Now that the Congress is no
longer an impediment in getting patriotic judges onto the Supreme Court,
we would anticipate that the Judiciary will remain in business to
validate the decisions taken by President Bush. Citizens should feel
comforted that therefore our Administration will always be seen as
working 'within the law.' But should the Judiciary attempt to interfere
with the orderly workings of this administration, we will re-evaluate
its role and function."

Not all members of the House and Senate went quietly into new
establishment jobs or retirement. Several Senators and Representatives,
mainly Democrats and a few moderate Republicans, said they would move to
the Western Coastal states (California, Oregon and Washington), or to
the Northeast region (Massachusetts, New York, Maine, Vermont), where
they will work for referenda on the possibility of joint secession.

Reportedly, the Bush Administration, which has nullified the 22nd
Amendment to the Constitution, thus permitting President Bush to
continue to serve in perpetuity, has said it has no problem with the
attempts of the "traitorous regions" to sever themselves from the
"patriotic mainstream" of America. "They are doing this to gain
attention for their demands for more inclusion in policy-making. But
surely they realize that if they do leave the United States, that would
make them foreign countries, and thus potential recipients of our shock
and awe policies," said Vice President Dick Cheney. "I don't think
they're going anywhere. They'll come around - or will devoutly wish that
they had."

SEND THESE KIDS TO CAMP

We attempted for this story to contact various anti-Bush activists and
progressive website editors, to get their reactions to the extraordinary
political events of the past few days, but all our inquiries were
forwarded to the Department of Homeland Security. Robert Novak, press
secretary for the Department's newly-created Security Services (S.S.),
which was set up to deal with "recalcitrants" and "malcontents," said
all those we inquired about were "unavailable for comment."

Other sources, who have chosen to remain anonymous, report that under
the leadership of Richard Perle thousands have been moved to
"re-education" camps in the Nevada desert, Northern Alaska oil refuge
and other undisclosed locations, or were "rendered" to special camps in
allied countries. (Note: Novak said the S.S. wants to make clear that
these "malcontents" will not be sent to the "relocation centers reserved
for homosexuals, winners of National Endowment for the Arts grants, and
other deviants.")

The offending websites have been taken over or shut down, said Deputy
S.S. spokesman Bill O'Reilly, "because they have been spreading
slanderous lies and unsubstantiated charges against our Leader and his
policies. Anger and rebellion have no place in our new order; when those
troublemakers return from the re-education centers, we expect they will
have new, positive attitudes about the value of Bush Administration
initiatives."

O'Reilly said that no action would be taken against the editors and
publishers of the country's major newspapers, networks and cable TV and
radio news outlets. "They established their patriotic credentials long
ago, and are either supportive of the Bush agenda or know when to keep
their traps shut," said O'Reilly.

Rush Limbaugh has been appointed director of the National Institutes of
Health's pharmacy, and Jeff Gannon is now Protocol Chief in charge of
entertainment and overnight stays at the White House.

President Bush announced today that he would fill the seats of three
retiring Supreme Court justices - John Paul Stevens, Stephen Breyer,
Ruth Bader Ginsburg - with Michael Brown, Alberto Gonzales and Harriet
Miers.

"These new appointees are three of our finest public servants, who have
demonstrated great loyalty to my person and policies," said President
Bush. "They know that everything changed on 9/11 and that me and my
Administration are working hard for the American people. They will serve
the nation well in making sure that our Administration's actions always
will remain 'within the law' - by validating with their unanimous
opinions those decisions I take in the service of protecting the
American people from threats to our national security. Everything
changed on 9/11; the terrorists hate us for our freedoms, you know."

THE PRESIDENT'S MERCY

Finally, President Bush today issued a full amnesty and/or pardon for
those felons from his Administration and Congress currently serving time
in prison or those under federal indictment or grand jury investigation.
Included among those hundreds are the Cabinet, Karl Rove, I. Lewis
Libby, Tom DeLay, John Ashcroft, Bill Frist, Duke Cunningham, and such
stalwart Administration backers as Jack Abramoff, Ralph Reed and Kenneth
Lay.

"These are loyal Americans all, who have worked tirelessly for me and
thus for the good of our nation, and were hounded by over-zealous
prosecutors with hidden agendas," said President Bush. "These pardons
and amnesties will ensure that they return to doing their good work in
the public and private sectors, and will continue advising me well."

Switching places with the pardoned felons are such "over-zealous
prosecuters" as Patrick Fitzgerald, James Comey, Ronnie Earle, and
Elliot Spitzer. Among notables known to have been rounded up and sent
for re-education, based on their harsh critiques of Bush policy:
Lawrence Tribe, Anthony Lewis, Richard Clarke, Paul O'Neill, Lawrence
Wilkerson, Paul Krugman, Molly Ivins, Noam Chomsky, Frank Rich and
Seymour Hersh. Numerous other notables reportedly have fled to France.

President Bush said he issued the amnesties now to "have our full and
best team in place as we prepare for whatever foreign and domestic
actions may come in the immediate future." It is believed he is
referring to the impending military action against Syria, Iran, North
Korea, Venezuela, Cuba and Bolivia.

More secret prisons are being built to accommodate the expected
thousands of detainees from those conflicts. But, said Defense Secretary
Rumsfeld, "there will be fewer prisoners than in past wars because we
fully intend to exercise our dominance in the nuclear-weaponry field.
The advantage in using such WMDs is that it reduces the number of
prisoners to care for and also keeps other foreign countries from even
thinking about criticizing our policies. In short, it's a win-win for
America and for the expansion of freedom around the globe."

Bernard Weiner, Ph.D. in government & international relations, has
taught at various universities, worked as a writer/editor with the San
Francisco Chronicle, and currently co-edits The Crisis Papers
<http://www.crisispapers.org>. Send comments to crisispapers@comcast.net
<mailto:crisispapers@comcast.net>.

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