Friday, April 28, 2006

Scientific explaination

Why some people hate science
Genus: Politiciae troglodyticus, common name “GOPpie”
Four distinct species, described below. The American genus is distributed widely throughout the continent, especially in the South and West Central regions. Extremely hardy and robust, populations occasionally increase to nuisance levels, degrading habitat and overwhelming other native Politiciae as well as Apoliticus apathiphilius. Although species differ markedly in many respects, all species and subspecies can be identified by the extremity of their distrust of any information that conflicts with a fantasy worldview specific to each species.

Politiciae troglodyticus species are all predatory, although specific prey differs. They tend to be opportunistic nesters, often settling in the territories or homes of other members of the order Politiciae, and displacing them to less desirable territory. They are also messy and destructive, fouling and/or accumulating waste in their nest sites. Upon exhausting the resources of a chosen site, or rendering it uninhabitable, they abandon the degraded sites and move on to new sites.

P. troglodyticus has no known beneficial interrelationships with other creatures and their sole ecological value appears to be as a check on overpopulation by other Politiciae. The genus currently dominates American politics to an unhealthy, even catastrophic degree.

Species

P. troglodyticus, sp. “Robber Baron”
Although the least numerous species in the genus (estimated to be less than 2% of the total population,) “Robber Barons” are extraordinarily dominant in the genus as a whole due to their incredible ability to influence the nesting and predation patterns of other species. They are omnivorous, parasitic predators and scavengers with an unlimited appetite for both power and cash, requiring massive consumption of both to survive.

As parasites, they require hosting by other P. troglodyticus species, and thus must carefully nurture and control their hosts, in order to achieve access to other prey from whom they can accumulate power and cash. In the process, they facilitate host species’ survival and access to preferred prey, as long as it does not interfere with the Robber Baron’s acquisition of power and/or cash. However, if the host’s feeding or nesting habits interfere with the Robber Baron’s goals, they will deny access and eventually starve the host, and when other prey are scarce, Robber Barons will cannibalize other P. troglodyticus species.

The only known natural predator of the Robber Baron is other Robber Barons. Intraspecies competition can be fierce even when abundant resources are available, and when resources are scarce the Robber Baron can turn viciously even on its own mate and family. The only known control for this incredibly noxious nuisance species is to deny it sufficient hosts and/or prey to support the population in any numbers. Unfortunately, these controls were decimated during the P. liberalicus boom thirty years ago, and the superbly opportunistic Robber Barons have been increasing to catastrophic levels since.

Distribution: Relatively evenly distributed throughout the range, although individuals tend to maintain multiple nest sites in secluded clusters of other Robber Barons, and migrate freely between regions.

P. troglodyticus, sp. “Fundy Wackjob”
The Fundy Wackjob numbers have experienced a surge in the last few decades, as Robber Barons have found them extremely compliant and favorable hosts while access to their preferred food sources was facilitated. Fundy Wackjobs feed on several P. liberalicus species, including “Uppity Wimmin,” and “Secular Humanists.” Other prey include all species of Politiciae libertariensis, and even those members of the order Apoliticus apathiphilius whose range and nesting sites overlap with the Fundy Wackjobs.

The most social GOPie species, the Fundy Wackjob congregates geographically to reinforce its effectiveness. They claim territory by eliminating the civil liberties that support other species. Extremely prolific breeders, they are highly aggressive in claiming and defending territory and preventing access to others, even other P. troglodyticus species (except the Robber Barons.) This habit contributes to the boom-and-bust cyclical nature of the Fundy Wackjob population, which operates on a cycle that varies from thirty to fifty years.

Once the Fundy Wackjobs exhaust available prey species, they resort to cannibalism, splintering into ever smaller, more extreme, and vicious subgroups that hunt each other with increasing fervor until the population is exhausted and returns to more sustainable levels. However, the political landscape they leave behind— devoid of civil liberties and polluted with an abundance of toxic laws and regulations— rarely supports any substantial public life without extensive reclamation efforts.

Distribution: A naturally rural creature, they concentrate most heavily in the South and Central regions. The species recently peaked at about 35% of the total GOPpie population, but some GOPpie biologists believe that the “bust” process is already beginning. Although Fundy Wackjobs have been accommodating hosts for Robber Barons, their voraciousness for civil liberties has recently begun to threaten the Robber Barons’ rapacious capitalistic acquisitiveness. Based on past population cycles, the opportunistic Robber Barons are more likely to turn to scavenging these hosts than attempt to preserve them.

P. troglodyticus, sp. “Asshole”
Unlike the other, more social species of P. troglodyticus, the Asshole tends to be a solitary predator whose fear-based aggressiveness can make it extremely dangerous. A small but significant part of the total GOPpie population, it is difficult to estimate total numbers, as the Asshole frequently takes on the appearance of the less aggressive “Woolhat” variety of P. troglodyticus "Neanderthal" or even an odd mimicry of P. libertariensis. However, as individuals they are highly recognizable by the volume, stridency, and random coherence of their vocalizations.

Robber Barons trick the Asshole into playing host by pretending to make initiatory gestures of sharing power and cash, convincing the Asshole that acquiescence to the Robber Baron will lead to a sharing of such resources, and even, eventually, being accepted into Robber Baron communities. This is generally effective, although on rare occasions Robber Barons have been savaged by hosts who finally realize no benefits will ever be forthcoming. However, the minimal cognitive capabilities of the species generally makes them amenable to Robber Baron predation.

The Asshole itself is an undiscriminating predator/scavenger, feeding upon any creature that threatens its territory or excites its extremely sensitive fear-based aggression circuits. Always insecure in its ability to attract mates, hold territory, or achieve dominance, the Asshole constantly resorts to elaborate public displays of hyperaggression, which frequently serve to drive competition away in sheer boredom and/or disgust. The resulting scarcity of food often makes scavenging as common a survival mechanism as predation for the Asshole. As such, they are tough survivors and almost impossible to eradicate successfully.

Distribution: Assholes can be found in all parts of the GOPpie range, but tend to gravitate toward areas where there is plenty of cover— extreme rural fastnesses and urban undergrounds. They can also, by their talent for mimicry, take refuge in communities of Politiciae libertariensis, where they can be difficult to differentiate. However, the Asshole can be flushed from this cover by proposing certain types of legislation, especially criminalization of flag-burning, tort “reform,” etc., which will provoke wild “support display” behaviors.

P. troglodyticus, sp. “Neanderthal”
The most numerous GOPpie species, the Neanderthal is also the most varied in habits, feeding patterns, and nesting behaviors. This variation has sparked debate over whether there are, in fact, several distinct subspecies of Neanderthal. All have in common a deep suspicion of change, a strong aversion to the unfamiliar or “different,” and an unshakeable certainty that at some time in the past, things were “better” than they are today. Most common prey among all varieties includes creatures weaker and/or poorer than themselves, along with any they suspect are smarter than themselves.

The less noxious varieties of Neanderthal tend to be modest feeders who essentially scavenge the kills of other GOPpies, some are quite light feeders. While their nesting calls can be occasionally irritating, they are rarely dangerous unless provoked. They stake our relatively small territories; these, however, they will defend tenaciously. They make good hosts for the Robber Barons, as they are rarely able to detect the parasites’ presence. If the parasites become too demanding, however, or if the habits of other species too obviously threaten their survival resources, the milder varieties of Neanderthal will occasionally turn on their fellow-GOPpies. This is believed to be the original proto-GOPpie, from which all species differentiated over the last two centuries. They still make up a substantial (estimated 25-35%) share of the total population, but their more retiring habit makes them seem rare.

The balance of the Neanderthal species tends to be more toxic. This is believed due to extensive cross-breeding and influence of other species. For instance, there is a fairly numerous strain of Neanderthals that are almost as voracious for cash as the Robber Barons, and although rarely permitted access to any meaningful form of power, they exist in a kind of aspirational symbiosis with the parasitic Überspecies, exercising trivial amounts of power with obsessive ferocity. These “RB Wannabes” are easily distinguished by their obliviousness to their larger habitat and the cluttered nature of their gadget-filled nests. Other subgroups include the semi-torpid “Woolhat” subgroup, distinguishable by its lack of coloration, which shares a good many Asshole characteristics, and tends to prey preferentially on creatures with brown shades of coloration, and the “Bluenose” variation, which lacks the virulence of the Fundy Wackjob but spends most of its existence identifying and preying on anything that provides enjoyment.

Distribution: Politiciae troglodyticus “Neanderthal” is common and abundant throughout its entire range, reaching nuisance levels in many areas where it has displaced less robust breeders.

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