Tuesday, May 02, 2006

FEMA's new mission


The Borowitz Report <http://www.borowitzreport.com/>
Prepare to be shocked <http://www.borowitzreport.com/books.asp>

Winner of the First-ever National Press Club Award for Humor May 1, 2006

Breaking News

FEMA SENT TO IRAN TO SLOW DOWN NUCLEAR PROGRAM

Agency Uses Bureaucracy, Red Tape to Hamstring Nukes

In what some in the nuclear anti-proliferation movement are already
calling a masterstroke, the United States has dispatched the Federal
Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) to Iran to slow down that nation's
development of nuclear weapons, the White House confirmed today.

With diplomacy yielding few results and military action deemed too
risky, sending FEMA to throw a monkey-wrench in Iran's nuclear program
may have been just the "third way" that the Bush administration has been
seeking, according to White House spokesman Tony Snow.

"We had been looking for a way to slow the Iranians down," Mr. Snow
said. "And we all looked at each other and said, 'No one slows things
down better than FEMA.'"

According to Mr. Snow, FEMA officials began infiltrating Iran's nuclear
program early last week and started inundating the Iranians with
unnecessary levels of bureaucracy and mind-numbing red tape.

The enrichment of uranium, which had been well underway before FEMA's
arrival, now requires no fewer than twenty separate departmental
approvals and the completion of over forty hard-to-fill-out forms.

Speaking from his presidential residence today, Iranian president
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that while he had originally hoped to have
uranium enriched by 2007, that projection has now been pushed back until
at least 2019.

White House spokesman Snow said that given FEMA's success in slowing
Iran's nuclear program, it would soon move on to other missions, such as
slowing Tom DeLay's prosecution.

Elsewhere, Los Angeles police exploded a newspaper rack believed to be a
bomb but which was actually a promotional device for "Mission Impossible
III," also believed to be a bomb.

ANDY IN NYC - MAY 15 - TICKETS ONLY $6!

Check out Andy's smash-hit live show on Monday, May 15. At Mo Pitkin's
House of Satisfaction, Avenue A between 2nd and 3rd. Doors open at 8;
show at 8:30. Tickets only $6, available at the door or at
www.ticketweb.com.

ANDY IN AUSTRALIA - MAY 22-28

Andy makes his first ever visit to Australia from May 22 to 28 as part
of the Sydney Writers' Festival. For information, go to www.swf.org.au.

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