Friday, June 30, 2006

Bush uncensored

Posted: 2006-06-08 19:17

Remarks by the President

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. It's nice to be reunited with all my most
mega-zealous supporters: the industrious CEOs of McJesus, Inc. Wow -
I've been blowing you people off so much since the 2004 election, I'd
forgotten what most of you looked like.

Reverend Falwell, always a pleasure to see that neck of yours jiggle in
person. And Ralph, I see now that you're in your 40's, you've almost
sprouted a little pube 'stache on your lip there. Real nice. And Pat, me
and Laura really loved your Christmas card last year. The festive
depiction of Muslims, Jews, Hindus and Buddhists being gang-raped and
dismembered by demons in Hell was just lovely.

As you all know, in my first term we had barely sand-blasted the Clinton
splooge off the Oval Office ceiling before I fed the Constitution into
the shredder by creating the Department of Faith-Based Taxpayer
Handouts. And I have taken great pleasure knowing what a shot in the arm
that has been for the salvation industry. At the rate you boys are
converting stadiums into mega-churches, there won't be anyplace left to
play baseball by the time I leave office. (Laughter.)

Anyways, I know that in my second term, I haven't been stroking your God
boners quite so frantically as back when I still needed your votes so I
could keep living in this awesome mansion rent-free for another four
years. But with the polls looking so bleak for November, I figured now's
the time to stop pretending you're all dead, and prey on your paranoid
bigotry by pretending like I give a fuck about that totally
dead-on-arrival Anti-Homo Amendment.

That's the great thing about having a screaming mimi Christian base:
folks who spend their whole lives fixated on an invisible God in Heaven
who ignores them 100% of the time are super-ultra-easy to exploit when
you're a visible God on Earth who only ignores them 98% of the time.
Hell, all it takes is a call from the White House switchboard to get you
fellas creaming your jeans like Jesus himself was on the horn. And I
like that. (Thumbs Up.)

Which brings us to today. The scary fact is that our beloved Republican
party is in danger of losing one or both houses of Congress this fall.
And that would have real consequences. No, it wouldn't have an impact on
any "wedge" social issues that we always promise you loonies we'll do
something about, but then blow you off after the election. But losing
Congress will make it way harder for me and my country club pals to make
ourselves even more filthy rich. (Dabs tear.)

And so, even though it's been almost two years since we even pretended
to care about fag marriage, now's the time to demonstrate our shared
Godly compassion by trotting that sucker back out into the light of day.


I know you share my speech writers' belief that marriage is a sacred
institution. It is a core stabilizing force in America's culture. Like
legacy admissions to the Ivy League, Augusta National to the sport of
golf, and slavery to the Red States.

Indeed, I will remind you all that a majority of Americans polled don't
want gaysexuals to marry, even though they won't miss a single episode
of sitcoms about handsome, taut, professional men living together in
expertly decorated SoHo co-ops. After all, what would society be without
millions of broken homes and emotionally savaged children paying for
their parents mistake of listening to Jesus and not using birth control?

Fortunately, Karl Rove and I know we can count on wholesome, totally
straight Christian folks being so obsessed with thinking about naked
homos rubbing their stinky parts together, that they will happily vote
themselves into the poorhouse year after year after year. For as my
hunky Press Secretary Tony Toni Toné said the other day: this is a CIVIL
RIGHTS issue. I am standing up for the vast Silent Minority, those
blessed 30% who are so in loOoOove with yours truly, they support
anything I say and do whatever I ask. Except enlist in the military.


In closing, I am for the family, y'see. Traditional family. Workaholic
father who is too busy playing golf to be with the kids. Frigid
housewife whacked out on pills and Long Island Ice Teas, their faces
poorly painted death masks stretched tight. Entitled children spoiled to
the point that they are socially crippled. I'm for families, and
puppies, and Christian values. Homos got no values. You want to hear a
value? There are 5 million uninsured children in this country. There's a
value. Wait. That's something to be ashamed of. Shit. Crap. Um...

Thank you, and God Bless America.


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