Friday, July 14, 2006

This just in

MAN IN COMA FOR NINETEEN YEARS ASKS TO GO BACK TO SLEEP

Bush Administration, Paris Hilton Top Coma Man's Concerns


In what members of the medical community are calling an unprecedented development, a man who recently awoke from a nineteen-year coma has asked doctors to put him back to sleep.

At a press conference in Jacksonville, Florida today, the man, Jason Deloit, 43, told reporters that at first he was excited to be conscious again, "But then I turned on the TV."

Mr. Deloit said that the first images he saw on television were those of President George W. Bush giving a press conference.

"I was happy at first, because I thought, well good, 'Saturday Night Live' is still on and that's my favorite show," he said. "Then I realized that it was actually the real president at the White House and I became very depressed."

After hearing the President field questions about Iraq, Afghanistan and Guantanamo, Mr. Deloit "couldn't take it anymore."

Seeking escapism, Mr. Deloit changed the channel and saw hotel heiress Paris Hilton starring in the latest installment of her hit television show "The Simple Life."

"That was really the straw that broke the camel's back," he said. "I don't want to live in a country that exploits a mentally impaired person like that."

Mr. Deloit's doctor said that putting his patient back into a coma state would create an ethical quandary for the medical community: "Millions of other people would want the same thing."

Elsewhere, a spokesman for the U.S. government said that it would soon issue terror alerts on Americans' wireless phones, explaining, "It'll be easy, since we're already on the line listening in."

ANDY IN NYC JULY 24 – SAVE THE DATE!

Andy’s next New York show will be Monday, July 24. Lucky audience members win a free autographed copy of Andy’s newest book, THE BIG BOOK OF SHOCKERS. At Mo Pitkin’s House of Satisfaction, Avenue A between 2nd and 3rd. Doors open at 8; show at 8:30. Tickets only $6; available at www.ticketweb.com or at the door.

ANDY ON COMEDY CENTRAL AUGUST 4

See Andy on Comedy Central's "Live At Gotham" on Friday, August 4. 11 PM EST; check local listings.

BECOME ANDY'S FRIEND ON MYSPACE!

Add Andy to your MySpace friends: go to http://www.myspace.com/andyborowitz

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