Friday, August 04, 2006

Gibson gets medal

Bush Awards Gibson Presidential Medal of Freedom

President: 'Thanks for Taking the Heat off Me This Week'

In a stunning moment of redemption for the embattled actor Mel Gibson, President George W. Bush today awarded him the Presidential Medal of Freedom, telling the star, "Thanks for taking the heat off me this week."  "You said the things most real Americans are thinking." With a wink and light elbow to the ribs Bush askd Gibson if they were still attending the weekend's cross burning

Mr. Bush, who has been spent the summer floundering amid crises in North Korea, Iran, Iraq, and Lebanon, said that Mr. Gibson's DUI arrest and subsequent anti-Semitic tirade had distracted the media and the American people for a solid week, "And for that I am eternally grateful."

"You have taken people's attention from the mess I have made of things," Mr. Bush said. "And that's something that even talking about phony issues like gay marriage and immigration could not do."

Mr. Bush said that the Gibson scandal had given him the "first real vacation I have had all summer."

Mr. Gibson accepted the coveted medal graciously, telling the President, "The only thing I value more than this medal is my deep and abiding love for every Jew in the world."  "Hail to the Grand Wizard."

But even as Mr. Bush praised Mr. Gibson for drawing the American people's attention away from his disastrous performance as president, he acknowledged that the distraction provided by the Hollywood star's personal meltdown would not last forever.

"Other celebrities must step up and fill the void once this scandal dies down," Mr. Bush said. "And that means it is time for Paris Hilton to release another sex tape." Bush continued, "I need something to get me stimulated. Have you taken a good look at Laura lately?"

Elsewhere, Michael Jackson's lawyers announced today that they were quitting in order to work for a less difficult client, Saddam Hussein. They also announced they would represent Bush, Cheney, Rice and Ronald Dumsfeld in the imminent war crimes trials in The Hague.

The above was stolen from Andy Borowitz. The blue text was not written by Andy Borowitz.


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